Something Like Phoenixes (just thoughts)

Ok. It’s not perfect. Everything is not what I want it to be. Times are hard, and some days are even harder. I get lonely, I get scared, I worry about the future, I worry about losing my mother who is my entire world, I worry that I won’t be smart enough, driven enough, lucky enough to make my dreams real. I have days when I feel like I’m running out of time, and days when I have too much time, to much space, to think about the things that terrify me most. I worry that for all my beauty and intelligence I’ll die alone or I’ll disappoint myself.

But those are just my fears. They are just fears. Tiny minute things in comparison to all that I am, all that I have overcome, all that I am strong enough to continue to overcome. I have today, I have now, to make the most of. I may not have everything I want but I have most of what I need, sanity, all my limbs, I have family, food to eat, a place to sleep, even if it’s just for now…now is all I need. I’m building, working on the future, making something real. Even if I don’t become the greatest attorney the world has ever seen I’m a black girl from a shabby apartment in Brooklyn who refused to let the storms of life drown me.

There are moments when I feel like I am too tired to keep up the fight, but then I remember Me, I remember Allah, I know that it’s not all on me and I’ve gotten this far, which is more than a lot of others can say. I’ve made it to twenty with most of my heart. And a smile that refuses to be dimmed.

Don’t ever falter. Don’t ever let someone break you down. Don’t ever be overwhelmed by the current situation. And more than anything don’t ever let the hardships of life stop you from seeing the beauty in it. The only time you’ve really lost is when you stop finding the joy in the little things. We gotta laugh, and smile and keep fighting. There is even creation in destruction. We are something like phoenixes rising. And we gotta live like this is our only chance…

For the Lover in You (Broken)

Baby girl with the smile that spans miles. And small worlds.
I see you dancing in hands that collapse in on you.
You never did know how to escape while there was still time, still space.
I see you offering the best of yourself to the worst of these niggas.
Anything to feel....anything real, if only for a moment.
With breast aquiver, you deliver in a timely fashion. Passionate, breathless,
Restless sleep on stained sheets.
He can't feel you like you feel him. He never will.
And maybe you think if he goes deep enough he'll touch your heart....
But that's just the principle of the iceberg in effect in your life,
and these worlds are so temporary,
Small smiles, minute highs, deep sighs, parted thighs, ignored cries
Baby to be broken is to be wise
It means coming to rest on the edge of sunrise and with tears drying in the corner of your eyes,
It means biting back sorrow and seeing through lies baby the lover in you
Simply will not survive at this rate.
This second hand fate you've welcomed into yourself like death,
Sweet surrender, big pretender like if you let him go deep enough he'll keep you
Won't discard you like you've been discarded
But you're no martyr for this.
No poems will be written for the you you killed,
No forgiveness will be had
No apologies will be made
You are making a bed with strangers in the shade
You are making deals with devils and the horns may fade past vision but
You know what this is
You always knew
All that's left is a choice
Stay true? Or give in.
Allow them within. Allow them to take the stars out of your eyes.
Allow them to fuck the song out of your heart...
And maybe if they go deep enough, they'll break the lover in you.

For First Times and Last Times

We are the distance between hello's and goodbyes.
Immeasurable. Commensurate with eternity.
Do you forget how to feel when you have felt too much?
Or when it has been too long?
I have detached myself from these things, intangible but quite destructive.
More potent than waves.
There were stars in your eyes when you kissed me.
Eternities danced in your half smile, staring down at me,
Holding my hopes in your fist.
I know you don't forget, as much as you'd like to.
I smile when I think of you.
And baby for the first time we kissed to the last time it all felt beautiful.
And from the first smile til now I won't forget you.
And for every time I hurt I won't forgive you.
But for the sake of my heart I will move past you.
For first times and last times, and the fact that we have time,
just know, it was all worth it. Every minute.