It's not usually this intense. The feelings. The anger. It's not usually this obvious.
On a regular day the anger lies beneath the surface, beneath the smile, deep in the heart. Unapparent to the naked eye. I guess being in this close proximity to the source for the first time in a long time has stirred the pot. The barely tamed beast that is my emotions.
Father's Day.
A day to celebrate and venerate the men that gives pieces of themselves to the lives of their offspring. I wrote once of Sunday's and Egyptian musk. How no matter how much time passes, both will always remind me of you, my father. A Jamaican man with a quick smile, charisma and a bop that no one can match. Sunday's because that was the only day you would pick us up when we were little, even though we lived right around the corner. Egyptian musk because it is your favorite scent. Because it is mine.
I won't pretend that I'm fine. In fact, if I were fine I wouldn't be so angry. Or so aware of it. But this rage that I feel is so close, so real, and the culprit is a phonecall away. The only reason that I am still cordial towards my father is so that I can still have a somewhat healthy relationship with the rest of my family. There are so many things that have gone unsaid that need to be said. There are so many changes that will never be made. And what does that leave me? Angry. Angry and suppressing it. Thus, I have no way to truly deal with it, except for occasional rants, and a blog post or two.
The mark that a father, and his negligence can leave on a child is a very real thing. The pain that this mark will cause knows no bounds. I am a beautiful mess. I have trust and connection issues. I often dismiss people and have a very negative perspective on how they will behave. I put nothing past anyone, and expect very little from most. I am a warrior, I am strong, but I bear battle scars that no one can see. And those, quite frankly, are the hardest one's to hide.
Father's Day, to me, is like an anniversary after you are divorced. Nothing more than a reminder of what has failed. I can honestly say that all I feel towards you is negative. I would rather have you gone than have another pollutant in my life. So I guess its just a matter of time before I rid myself of you entirely.
Happy Father's DAY
