Because I still dream about you....

I said last time was the last time I would write about you. I said, "fuck it, everybody plays the fool sometimes." I told myself that I was okay with what you did because I have no choice but to be. But the feelings linger. The memories linger. I think of you on train rides and it hurts. Even now.
The reality is that someone had to get hurt. I just don't think I'm okay with it being me. You used me to fill a space that she had left empty. I feel abandoned and lied to. And no I don't want you back because in all honesty I know you have what you want and I am genuinely happy for you. But what remains, these feelings, what am I supposed to do with them? They were created out of pregnant moments and flawed smiles. We spent time together and made memories. We shared laughs and sweetheart, despite my best efforts those don't just go away.
You have moved on as though nothing ever happened. You and her are back together, or at least on the way there and happy. As though she never hurt you, as though it never mattered how hard that first month was. Before I arrived and at least provided a distraction from the feeling of love scorned. I was temporary, baby, and I knew that even then, even as we lay that you loved her. It was my responsibility to protect myself and leave, being that I knew that. I just could not bring myself to leave you alone, as she had. I did not think you deserved that twice. To lose what you could have over something you had already lost just seemed so unfair. So I stayed, and disregarded the detour signs, and tried not to demand more than you could give. I tried to be realistic and pragmatic and keep my hopes on the ground. I knew what it was.
But somewhere along the line I forgot that it was temporary. I forgot it was just a game, and I started playing for keeps. And thats when the signals got crossed. And I don't harbor no malice, I understand that going back to what you knew, what you loved, what made you happy was what you needed to do, for you. Thats what matters in this grand fuckfest, doing whats right for you.You needed to explore that,and I'm glad you found it still there but truly, my dear, what am I supposed to do with these feelings? What now? Should they dissipate? Should I forget you like you seem to have forgotten me?
I guess the reality of all this is that we live and we learn.It's that I should have left it alone when I realized, when I saw her conversations and knew everything was not done being said; when I saw your barely certain smile and knew the shape of things to come. You lied to me, many times, to keep what we had afloat even as you built your escape. And I stayed aboard cus watching you sink by yourself just wasn't in my heart. And darling you did make the wreckage comfortable. And now look at me. A wreck myself, pretending I don't feel those sharp pangs when I see you mention her. I'm not even extended the pleasantry of your voice these days. I should have left you alone. I should not even speak of you until I have found something to do with these feelings. But baby I still dream of you, flaws and all....and I just wonder what I'm supposed to do now.